I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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