The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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