Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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