You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
