Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
