I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
