my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
