Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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