some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
