Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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