she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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