nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
we're so committed to being not committed
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