i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
