i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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