We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Randomize
