Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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