$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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