Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
