She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
