I can text with my tongue
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I think a kid would responsible me up
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
