I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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