wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
