3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I woke up under a house in Key West
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
