My room smells like vodka and shame
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
people are starting to question the shark bite story
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
