we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
