i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
