I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
