Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
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Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
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Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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