i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
two words...techno handjob
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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