Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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