Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
