You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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