I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
he puts the penis in happiness.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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