Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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