i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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