My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
