You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
This toilet bowl is my home.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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