my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
