does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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