oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
