Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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