im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
