I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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