you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
