i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I fill condoms, not promises.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
