I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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