i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
