After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
