Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
