I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
