Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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