im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
