Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
