If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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