Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
