Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
