Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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