I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
