we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
