I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
