I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
