Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
