I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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